There is a way to restore your marriage, get back the man you fell in love, and get back that loving and harmonious relationship with the connection and affection that you had when you first met.
But, you need to realize that there is a cost to not dealing with this right away…
If You Don’t Do Something About It, It Just Gets Worse
Here are the subtle hints:
Typically, spouses first tend to ignore the signs of trouble, hoping the issues will work themselves out… one or both promising to change over and over, making small progress, then regressing to the same behavior. …making small steps forward, only to fall back.None of this works.
And what happens if you just do nothing? If you just keep doing what you’ve been doing? You keep getting less intimacy, less connection, less peace… until one day you have enough and finally do the unthinkable and break up your family..
After 3 decades of working with couples, I had heard it all before. But this time, it seemed to be in every session.
First, John. He looked like he had taken a gut-punch when he heard his wife. “You aren’t a bad man,” she told him, “But you aren’t a good husband.” John and Sue were sitting on my couch, trying to unwind the hurt and pain. As much as he wanted to be in a good marriage – to be a good spouse – John just couldn’t make the changes Sue was hoping for.
Then came Paul. He was talking to me on a phone call. “Why can’t I just get it together,” he asked? His marriage was not where he wanted it to be, with lots of pain from past struggles. Then Paul suddenly shifted to a whisper, “I have no idea what I am doing here. My father was never around, and when he was, they were fighting. How am I supposed to know how to be a good husband?”
Then, when I met with Alex, he told me that every day, he was terrified. Was he going to make another mistake? Was he going to have a “PO’d wife,” as he called it? Would he feel like a failure again? The result: he was scared to do anything… which ironically led to a pissed off spouse.
Could that be true with YOUR husband?
Perhaps he wants to be a good husband, but doesn’t know how… and doesn’t know what to do to figure that out!
This is an interesting moment in history, and many men really haven’t had a chance to even witness what it means to be a good husband. It’s kind of a function of history.
With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, around half of men grew up in broken homes. They didn’t see good examples of spousal interaction. And many in intact families had fathers who were often absent, with work or other interests. Spousal interactions were sparse. And many of the truly significant interactions were not in the open. You couldn’t even see the good stuff happening!
As one man told me, “The discussions I did hear were loud and angry. I never knew how they talked when they weren’t angry. I guess it was the volume problem. The good talks were too quiet to hear. The bad talks were too loud to miss.”
But what if being a good husband is really about learning some skills? In other words, what if you could learn to be a good husband? Even if you never had a good model. Even if you don’t know how right now?
A husband needs to understand what it means to be a good husband and have a great marriage. He needs to have the skills of a great husband. And then, it’s a matter of acting on the knowledge and skills.
Someone who wants to be a great husband just needs the knowledge and skills, then take action. 1, 2, 3. The steps to being not just a good, but a great, husband!
Most men struggle with confidence… and that even keeps them from learning what it takes to gain confidence.
Here is a common situation that has only changed recently, thanks to the smartphone: your husband is driving along… not knowing how to get there and kind of perturbed that you are even noticing it (that is embarrassment, coming from wanting to be/feel competent, but showing otherwise. Will he stop and ask for directions? Nope. No need. He will figure it out… thus proving his competence.
So, you waste time (and gas and energy) driving around, not because you don’t know where you want to be, but because he isn’t willing to ask for help. Why? Because that would amount to admitting “incompetence” (at least in his mind).
How do I know? Because I have been there.
And here is the funny thing: if you have never been somewhere, why would you know how to get there? But that is irrelevant to the feeling.
Which is why the GPS was such a popular purchase and gift. You didn’t need to stop and ask. You didn’t need to stumble around and get lost. You just punch the address in and follow the directions. No judgment, no ego bruise.
I remember how many times I would ride with some man who would have the GPS going, but kinda pretend that they didn’t need it, anyway. But there it was! Just follow the directions and arrive at the destination.
But how do you DO that, if the issue is not directions somewhere, but learning how to be a great spouse?
Let me tell you what I did with John, Paul, and Alex:
I made them an offer. “Give me a month, and I will give you the tools, knowledge, and skills you need for a lifetime of being a great husband… of helping create a great marriage!”
On the spot, out of desperation to make a difference in their lives, I created a Husband Bootcamp.
A fitness bootcamp is designed to give you a running start on fitness. Get in shape, then stay in shape. That’s what bootcamps do. They get you started on a path to be better. To be in better shape with a fitness bootcamp.
The Husband Bootcamp is about being a better spouse and having a better marriage!